Love-letter

Dear Sunitha,

I don't know how to tell this. Neither do I know how to express my feelings nor i could explain. We knew each other for quite some time....

We three were busy with the preparation for the aug 15th floral competition. Ramu as usual went to the market in morning and may be on his way back. Our lift in 3rd floor went to ground floor. 'Oh some one is coming to this floor'. Gaurd had told yesterday that a new occupant would be coming to T2 flat.I didn't show much interest and continued the final touchings for the green section. Each color of the flag was assigned to each me, ann, priya. One more outer layer has to completed for it to finish. But Ramu has to bring the powder to complete it.

He was a cool dude. Omg not cool really handsome. Don't give such high ratings. Three views of 3 virgin girls. Mine had an extra topping of jealousy. Can't help. He talked to priya first. I had a bad timing. Was busy with decorating my part. And with her exceptional 'vayadi' a.k.a talkative nature it was quite a cakewalk for her to get an upper hand in the proceedings. But none could make much inroads into the relation with him. Thats why i got a crush on him. He didn't show much interest in those flirty type activities. Pakka decent. A great exception to the typical vayanokki. So as we used to see in many films i put a 5kg weight to both of my shoulders. But i think my tactics backfired. Occassionally he will be speaking to only rose or priya and that too upon the constant implementation of 'how to win a guy's heart' theory by a well known author. They started by offering some delicacies ( supposed to be hand made but factually speaking ramu's trademark hand made eateries' ). I kept my ego high. I was in a fix. Nor i could bump into him nor he would do that. Occassionally i will be keeping ramu as a dummy and will pass some glance at him. I will be ordering/discussing with ramu about how a house can be kept in order, what a responsible person,blah . One thing i was sure. He was paying a little attention to me.

I never thought a small knife cut accident will turn out to be my lucky incident. Ramu got scared. He was only 19. Poor boy, he went into opposite flat and called him. I knew this incident was silly. But blood flow didn't stop from the cut. He took me to the hospital and hence start of a relationship .

I think stars have turned to my favour. Both priya and rose got shifts for work and sometimes weekend too. Ramu has virtually became two flat servant. I would insist ramu to go and help and him so that i can join them and eventually into the conversations with him. I made up my mind. He is good. He has also developed and good friendly relationship with me. He was caring too. Good background, family and same religion too. But how can i propose him first. Intially i thought of using ramu as a messenger but my ego didn't permit. He defenitely likes me. But not sure whether he loves me or not. Hurray....!!!!. A email from him with dear sunitha as subject. Omg i can't believe. I was totally out of mind. Gone mad with all kind of feelings.

Dear Sunitha,

I don't know how to tell this. Neither i know how to express my feelings nor i can explain. We knew each other for quite some time.You are my good friend. I think you can help me regarding this. When i first saw ramu among you i felt a kind of emotion or feeling which i do know this will be a shock for you since you can't imagine me in that sense. But this is not wrong right?I can't tell this to ramu. But you can try to

I closed the mail. I couldn't read further. Delete pls Delete

Tell me yaar why you are leaving suddenly. Yeah tell suni what happened

Didi....

Aaaah , hearing ramu's voice i ran from there.

Welcome to Hairgel

‘Welcome to hairgel mobile and narrowband services’.

It was a lovely welcome message from them. I was impressed and was looking forward to quickly get an answer to my query. Here we go.

'Press 1 for Tamil', good but i donno Tamil.

'Press 2 for Hindi', good but i don't want.

'Press 3 for Portuguese' (what the...).

'Press 4 for Chinese'.

'Press 5 for French.’

'If you are dumb and deaf, press the cancel button'. ( Fantastic ).

'Press 100 for English' (gasp, thanks a lot to hairgel).

Somehow i pressed 100. Again came the message 'welcome to hairgel mobile and narrowband services'(phew, shavangal).Suddenly i felt some speedy train has passed. Oh the lady has said something. Is she telling something or studying for some fastest English shouting course? I just said one word 'Madam' (kreek, jerk...Oh my goodness, here comes the torpedo from hairgel rep).

'Welcome to hairgel mobile and narrowband services. Hairgel is the numero uno in many services which i donno know exactly. We have a unique business model and have created ripples all over India...' (All in 100th part of a millisecond).But i didn't allow her to continue. I howled like a jackal.

'keeeeeeeeeeeeeee, koooooooooooooooo, brrrrrrrrrr'. That was enough for her . Dingading.

Hairgel Rep: "what the...” Wow success. She stopped.

'Madam pls, i don’t want the history of your company. I will read from the website'.

'Thank you sir. I am glad to know that you are a regular visitor to our company website. Don't you want to know the specialties of our unique website sir? Wait a sec.'

'Ayyooooo...Rama Rama'.

'Great to know that you are devotee of ram sir. We provide you exclusive rama ring tones, caller tones, message tones, switch off tones, switch on tones, lost a mobile tones, anti theft tones.'

What should i do? I wanted to thrash this lady like a pulp. This is the limit. But relax buddy.

'May i know your good name lady?'

'Chinky'

'Wow, lovely name. I called to point out a mistake from your services but hearing your sweet voice i forgot everything.'

'What sir. I didn't get you'

Yeah, her speedy English got some sudden break. Good start

'Yeah chinky, I love you. I got a decent job and ur sweet. Shall we tie the knot? If you are ready contact me'.

No sound from the other end. Great, I won. Now not in near future she will torture me like this. I planned to do similar bizarre tricks to the other executives also.

'Bye now chinky. Catch you later'.

................................................................................

Aunty-climax (No uncle? Huh ...!)

'Chinky, gimme a cup of coffee'

'Yes dear lemme pack your breakfast'

Ooops. Dingolfications.

VISA

I was in utter confusion when the onus to choose a great name to this blog entry fell upon me. Yeah it is a jaadical start (). Umpteen names popped infront me (If you put corn in a special wonderful interesting machine usually seen in a mall u can see pop corn popping out).

Visa Diary of 'anony'.
My experiments with visa interviewer.
'anony' and the chamber of visa interview.
Gone for the visa interview.
The visa.

But realization of the fact - all those great ideas that came out from my mind was showing starkling similarity to the classics written by renowned authors. So i just deleted that notepad and putted ( ;) ) that into recycle bin.

Hockey(ok-oke-wokey-wockey-Hockey), here we go

I started to the american consulate in 'The great public auto service chennai limited'.70 Rs was ok for him.I gave 100 rupee note as an advance payment.As auto moved forward the sensex showed bullish/beerish(?)/deerish/doggish phenomenon and since he had a lates smart phone he instantly got a message regarding some inflation in indian economy.'Sir 90 Rs.'. I didn't yield. Just one km more to go.Another apple fell on his head.'Sir give me 20 rs'. Wow the ramanuja. He is planning to give me 50 rs. Alas...!!!.

'This is the consulate sir'.

'50 rs ?'

'120 rs is the charge sir'

'#$@#$@#$' (Note : Said to myself).what the...'

'Petrol charge increased sir'

'So soon..!!!, during a 30 minutes journey ? and you recognised it instantly ? great man'.

'I took the shorter and difficult route for you to reach early sir'

'Oh my poor friend, how sweet, how caring, you are my true...@#$@#$'

'2 kids sir, both are girls'

'Oh i thought they are...(Note : Said to myself).I have 3 wives and 4 grand children, big family you know.Third wife is suffering from blahassoblinkasso phobia'.

He gave me fifty :):):) He he he.

The qeue system outside the consulate is specially designed for white colored++ people.Atleast 2 hrs we should stand outside before we are let in.The sun tanning experience was marvellous. We should make this as a tourist spot. Special zones should be made where people can freely dryclean their body from pure white to pitch black.

Finally i am inside the chamber. Oops high class, 7 star security measures. The interviewers sitting inside a bullet proof glass reminiscent of a snake park. How they are gonna hear me ? Oh a small mike peeped out through a hole. Fast forward. 4 hrs gone. Now i am 5th in the queue. The reverent person interivewing an old man. What the heck he is doing there. For the past 20 minutes he is staring at the computer. Is he verifying forms or browsing websites. He may be tracing the applicants house in google map. Suddenly he pushed the chair backwards and went inside. What the...bad food? No he is back with a doughnut and pepsi. Aaaha niagra water falls in my mouth. I was damn hungry. He finished eating but not the processing. I was at my wits end. Finally my turn.

'Hi, How are you'

What a beautiful question, i felt like answering 'I am not fine man, i was waiting for [ast 4 hrs, last hour being the worst which included a extremely terrible situation of watching you eat a doughnut infront of a hungry poor chap which was unfortunately me.' But hold on.

What should i say ? How are you demands a description of me right ?

'I am tall and handsome, fair, bright, cool'.

But instead i answered the society taught automated answer to this question.' I am fine sir'.

'Are you going to work there ?'. Wonderful question. My document clearly says i am an employee of a company and what this guy is expecting from me

No sir, I am going to plant a bomb in my company headquarters and if possible in all the...@#$@# .

'Yes sir'.

'Your visa has been approved, have a nice day'

The whole day was spent in hot sun,long queue and finally in the evening he is wishing 'have a nice day'. But i got my visa, i am happy.

'Thank you very much sir'.

I can't imagine the terrible mental state of those who were rejected in the interview after such a long wait.

Thank god.

So now i am free to travel to USA.No anti-coca cola egos, no anti-american egos, no anti-bush egos, no anti-capitalism egos. All those egos proved futile infront of the lucrative package i will be getting for a job in US.

How to write a 10 Kg book?

How to write a 10 Kg book – Question mark embedded, If you can’t see it probably your browser settings have some problem, may be some questo marko virus created by an Italian psycho has attacked your computer, may be your eye sight is very poor, may be and most probably I didn’t put the question mark and instead I chose the wicked idea of blahing my poor blog reader with junk reasoning. This idea is just to increase my blog length and nothing personal. Excuse me please, where am I? Yes I was supposed to advice on how to write a 10 Kg book right?

Yes I have infinite, great and terrible ideas to write an epic. I am presently reading a romantic classic. Oh my god 1000+ pages and full description of nature, surroundings, even dresses, travel and what to say lots of more blahs. I am wondering how they can write like this with elaborated description of each minor elements. One guy looking at other one, yes that is the usual stimulus to such blah writing. It will goon like this - how his moustache is trimmed, how his hat is positioned.

I know some great fan of classic will be frowning call me all great out of dictionary words. Stay away coz I got terrible ‘chales and hathbag ‘jokes exclusively for scaring away sane people from me. Before starting just see how cleverly I wrote 3 paragraphs of junk with little effort.

Ok so please note down the basic law of relativity. Increase the relativity of the hero or heroine. No it’s not Albert Einstein’s relativity. Just increase the number of relatives. U can create cousins, nephews, father, mother and so on. And basic law here is each relative you are creating there it you should create 5 (My personal suggestion, you can have n number) more relatives. You can even create friends and then later can merge them to the hero clan with the special surprise relativity techniques like love marriage.

Flash back. Yes it’s a great technique. Each time one scene is about to get bored all characters should go into their respective flash backs. Hero can go to childhood days, heroine to her college days, father and mother to their honeymoon period. Just think around this point and you will get millions of flashy ideas.

Leave the hero alone. Please leave the hero alone. Let him to go to woods or cinema or fishing or let him go to hell. But after reaching any one of above places the hero should muse about something. Or he can be philosophical. He can pity himself on why this stupid world is like this. He can suggest methods to improve the round ugly shape of the earth to beautiful stick shape of or whatever blah you are feeling you can whip the hero to muse.

Don’t copy from any other books. No need for us. Get lost all such great fan fare books. We have our own style. Next thing we have to do is be very serious, desperate, shit faced person. With that mood we can write some crap philosophical thing. Don’t forget to keep a Google page or word web free dic (u naughty, no double meanings here) tionary. Just type a simple word and find the hardest synonym. E.g. the feeling when we see some porn movie is ‘lecherousness’. Oh my god after pronouncing this word I stopped seeing that. Similarly each simple word should be replaced by shit words so that reader will be in hell and will instantly congratulate you on the beautiful poetic blahtic language. The more the reader understands the blah writings the less appreciation.Don’t forget this law.

Moreover after first 3 or paragraphs please do change the topic to some other classic and great boring stuff and then keep on changing like this till the reader will be in mental asylum.

I got bored. Shall I stop this? I may give second or n number of parts for this. I want to write more. So before starting writing book don’t have any pre planned story line. It will be a flop idea. Decide on hero’s name place that’s all. Not even father, mother characters are necessary now. We can create them in due course.

Quit India

Year 1942

Cold chilling evening ( I don't know how to describe the climate, surroundings, people so as to elaborate a short incident into a 10 Kg book full of 'hey this tree was with blah color and blaah, blaah ).
Gandhiji was bathing in sea after making some salt as a part of ongoing agitation against British. One British guy was enjoying the sunset in a yatch with his batch; all wearing watches and catching good chicks by hand.

Gandhiji didn't like this whole atmosphere
Gandhiji: I quit
Gandhiji's helper heard this and he thought Gandhiji is telling something important
“Yes if Gandhi quit, whole India should quit".
“Quit indiaa…...!!!”

All deadly dangerous patriotic heroes - please don't eliminate me

It's just a little funny thing, If you still plan to kill me I will post more such terrific jokes. So beware and stay away from me