Wednesday, April 25, 2007

How to write a 10 Kg book?

How to write a 10 Kg book – Question mark embedded, If you can’t see it probably your browser settings have some problem, may be some questo marko virus created by an Italian psycho has attacked your computer, may be your eye sight is very poor, may be and most probably I didn’t put the question mark and instead I chose the wicked idea of blahing my poor blog reader with junk reasoning. This idea is just to increase my blog length and nothing personal. Excuse me please, where am I? Yes I was supposed to advice on how to write a 10 Kg book right?

Yes I have infinite, great and terrible ideas to write an epic. I am presently reading a romantic classic. Oh my god 1000+ pages and full description of nature, surroundings, even dresses, travel and what to say lots of more blahs. I am wondering how they can write like this with elaborated description of each minor elements. One guy looking at other one, yes that is the usual stimulus to such blah writing. It will goon like this - how his moustache is trimmed, how his hat is positioned.

I know some great fan of classic will be frowning call me all great out of dictionary words. Stay away coz I got terrible ‘chales and hathbag ‘jokes exclusively for scaring away sane people from me. Before starting just see how cleverly I wrote 3 paragraphs of junk with little effort.

Ok so please note down the basic law of relativity. Increase the relativity of the hero or heroine. No it’s not Albert Einstein’s relativity. Just increase the number of relatives. U can create cousins, nephews, father, mother and so on. And basic law here is each relative you are creating there it you should create 5 (My personal suggestion, you can have n number) more relatives. You can even create friends and then later can merge them to the hero clan with the special surprise relativity techniques like love marriage.

Flash back. Yes it’s a great technique. Each time one scene is about to get bored all characters should go into their respective flash backs. Hero can go to childhood days, heroine to her college days, father and mother to their honeymoon period. Just think around this point and you will get millions of flashy ideas.

Leave the hero alone. Please leave the hero alone. Let him to go to woods or cinema or fishing or let him go to hell. But after reaching any one of above places the hero should muse about something. Or he can be philosophical. He can pity himself on why this stupid world is like this. He can suggest methods to improve the round ugly shape of the earth to beautiful stick shape of or whatever blah you are feeling you can whip the hero to muse.

Don’t copy from any other books. No need for us. Get lost all such great fan fare books. We have our own style. Next thing we have to do is be very serious, desperate, shit faced person. With that mood we can write some crap philosophical thing. Don’t forget to keep a Google page or word web free dic (u naughty, no double meanings here) tionary. Just type a simple word and find the hardest synonym. E.g. the feeling when we see some porn movie is ‘lecherousness’. Oh my god after pronouncing this word I stopped seeing that. Similarly each simple word should be replaced by shit words so that reader will be in hell and will instantly congratulate you on the beautiful poetic blahtic language. The more the reader understands the blah writings the less appreciation.Don’t forget this law.
Moreover after first 3 or paragraphs please do change the topic to some other classic and great boring stuff and then keep on changing like this till the reader will be in mental asylum.

I got bored. Shall I stop this? I may give second or n number of parts for this. I want to write more. So before starting writing book don’t have any pre planned story line. It will be a flop idea. Decide on hero’s name place that’s all. Not even father, mother characters are necessary now. We can create them in due course.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Quit India

Year 1942

Cold chilling evening ( I don't know how to describe the climate, surroundings, people so as to elaborate a short incident into a 10 Kg book full of 'hey this tree was with blah color and blaah, blaah ).
Gandhiji was bathing in sea after making some salt as a part of ongoing agitation against British. One British guy was enjoying the sunset in a yatch with his batch; all wearing watches and catching good chicks by hand.

Gandhiji didn't like this whole atmosphere
Gandhiji: I quit
Gandhiji's helper heard this and he thought Gandhiji is telling something important
“Yes if Gandhi quit, whole India should quit".
“Quit indiaa…...!!!”

All deadly dangerous patriotic heroes - please don't eliminate me

It's just a little funny thing, If you still plan to kill me I will post more such terrific jokes. So beware and stay away from me

Anger control

An old method where computers were ( 'excuse me what is a computer ?' , ' Computer ?? what the....) ; one way to alleviate anger is to count from 1 to 10. In present time where computers ( 'excuse me computer..ehh..err ?', ' hey how dare you call my wife by name, you can call her Mrs.Open source' , ' What the...' ) ; one way to alleviate anger is to open a notepad from start menu ( go to hell all those bulb, blinkass open source Blahnux guys ) a type from 1 to 10.

One of my friend adviced one more great idea. Similar to notepad there is another software textpad. You can open it and click 'view line number' option you need not count the numbers in mind.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Flash back

"I think that's better. That is the best option you have although it's the worst one. Please do that for me”. I walked back towards the car. After a while I was speeding through the street on my way back to home.

Are all men like this? Not sure but may be. For the brand ‘male chauvinist pigs’ men belongs to the clan ‘Matured’. But these ‘M’ clan members will participate in various activities like small fights with girl friends which usually include subject lines “You didn’t call me for lunch”, “You didn’t mail me regarding that blah”, “But you called that blah head (This blah head is the friend of ‘M’ clan blah)”. My point was we had a fight. He scolded me for some petty reason and stopped talking. What crap? I too have an ego and I too stopped calling him and messaging him asking him million times “What’s the matter?”

Gone are the days where we used to go to office together. Gone are the days where he will be counting umpteen times the grills of the gate and waiting for me.” Why are you late? Give me the key. I won’t travel in a car driven by a woman”. Go to hell with his ego. Initially I was very happy about his lunch calls. But soon I realized those calls were a smoke screen to meet my stylish blah beauty colleague Miss.bleeh. I have to wait in the evening till his work is over. Then we will return together. After all he is my best friend.

But gone are those happy irritated days. I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened. That’s why I was very happy when finally he called me. “Come to the blah lawn near our blah tree”. I was enthralled. He finally called me. And that too to our regular time pass spot. Now he will be coming there with the regular ice breaker chocolates.

But soon I am reading a letter placed on the blah rock. I don’t have any emotion now. I don’t have any feelings now. I am alone. I am into last paragraph. “Some decisions we are making are wrong one. But when that is the best option available we have to do that. That’s why I am thinking of that. But I need your opinion. I am not a coward. I can’t bear all the mental harassment from the society that beckons me. This four letter killer has such a clout on the society. I want to escape from that. I want to escape from this life. I can’t wait till it starts acting on me slowly and finally taking my life. I want be a winner. So shall I???”

I just scribbled down this and walked back towards the car.” I think that's better. That is the best option you have although it's the worst one. Please do that for me”. After a while I was speeding through the street on my way back to home. I will be soon looking for tomorrow’s blah paper’s obituary column.

Friday, April 13, 2007

History of Chales and Hathbag

Chales is the short form of Chaliyan. This is what malayalis (the people of kerala a.k.a God’s own country, a state in India. Language malayalis are speaking is called Malayalam) call someone who is cracking very very poor jokes. Hathbag is the short form of Hathabagyan again a Malayalam word which means the sufferer.
Chales will be the one who is cracking worst jokes and Hathbag will be the guy who is affected by or is the who is suffering due to these jokes.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Where is my Coffeeday ?

My regular time wasting tactics involves going for a tea break every 1 hour. You know mine is a thinking job. This is what my previous boss once commented. Some how that statement still lingers around my mind. I was waiting for the imminent salary hike. All the so called economic brainy people were predicting a hike for the software people due to some blah blah.

I got hike, we got salary hike. Hip Hip Hurray......

We went to 5th floor for the regular work break. I got hike, we got salary hike. All the discussions were revolving around the hike. But no promotion for us L. What the heck, no promotion?? But hike is there rite?? No the promotion is what matters.

'Sir I shifted my company’. Who threw that statement in??

Oh that was our coffee vendor. He shifted the company. I don't know the details. I am waiting for more statements from our beloved coffee vendor we used to visit regularly. Once I have even dreamt about this guy. He is a very very jovial guy. A little more caring towards customer’s regardless of opposite or same sex. I don’t know about third sex.I donno whether our company has anyone like that. How can I comment on such a thing?

Where am I??? Yes the dream. This vendor has done something wrong; I don't remember what the offence was. But one thing is sure the police caught him and he was laughing like an insane guy. I think I have to take a U turn coz I am lost. Shall we ask some one?? 'Hey, could you lead me to the place where my friends and that 5th floor coffee vendor is chatting'.

Yeah thanks to my pathfinder. I am there. Adding a point here I hired this guy and named him pathfinder.’ Sir I shifted my company'. So you will be leaving this office??

'No, sir I got promoted from butterfly to Coffeeday'. Sudden laughter…!!!!.Why did they laugh?? Different types of coffee are available here. Ordinary class comprises of butterfly, Lipton, nestle. Coffeeday is high class stuff. If we go out to a coffee pub and order cappuccino, it will cost us 20 Rs.Wow, great, great company. Free high class coffee to all employees. Long live software. Long live outsourcing. Long live coffee vendors. Am I promoting windows live.Nopes.Why should I. Google is still the best.

Where is my pathfinder? You stay beside me. Ok??. 'Yes sir'

'Now I will be operating sixth floor pantry. I have quit butterfly coffee and joined Coffeeday.The pay scale is very low here. More over us can have only 4 cups of free coffee. In Coffeeday the pay is more, it’s more employee friendly and moreover we can have 6 cups of free coffee per day’. That was great right? And also I have seen that operating machine is more stylish and modern in appearance. I love Coffeeday....

So he shifted from 5th floor to 6th floor with more lucrative packages. Why he shouldn't accept that offer?? Folks it’s not a question to you.

He was not satisfied with the butterfly coffee for quite some time. The milk supplied from some private vendor was one issue. It has got a thick cover which he had to struggle a lot to cut. It would take some time for him. But the customers will be shouting,'coffee,coffee,coffee'.He has reported this several times to the top brass people. But they could do nothing as they can't trouble the milk provider for such a small issue. So our beloved vendor asked for a big sharp knife. But alas, no funds.

He had even decided one day to report this directly to the milk provider. Some how the top brass people of butterfly smelled this. They put some sugar in his mouth. It was very sweet. He likes it very much. He ate all those and forgot about the problem. When sugar was all over, every one has left. The sugar party was over. He was disgusted.

Adding to this one more incident became an instant catalyst. One day a customer came and asked to put more. Customer didn't tell what to put more, coffee powder?? Milk?? Sugar??.

So he put sugar more. Oh my god. Customer was a diabetes guy. He was infuriated. He shouted, scolded, jumped and danced.

Our beloved coffee vendor didn't say anything. He had already made up his mind.

Where is my pathfinder? ‘Stupid where did you go again? '

So today was last day for him. When are you joining buddy??

Tomorrow I have to. Today I thought of taking a break. But my manager told I have to finish these coffee packets I have already opened. So I had to come. But he was happy. He was cheerful. He was not sad. We decided to give a party to him.

So where is my Coffeeday...????

Monday, April 9, 2007

Killing Mosquitoes

I got a wonderful Chinese invention. Mosquito killer bat.Gr8.Fabulous.It works with battery. It has got a handle and a covered electric wire mesh. If we just swings that bat in air pressing the switch the bloody mosquitoes are electrocuted after got themselves trapped in the mesh. Wonderful. Really wonderful. I am a sadist when comes to killing this mosquitoes. They are such an irritating fellas that I feel like thinking barbaric methods of killing them. One of my great ideas ( oh..!! the thought itself is tickling my nerves with some blah pride) is PEN TOP technique. Catch a mosquito in a pen top. Yes with pen top I will just manage to catch one after many attempts. Then close the pen top with pen itself. Now carefully some how fill the top with water. Don’t let that bloody mosquito egzape. Now I am applying water pressure. The more you press the pen tightly the more water pressure to mosquito. Soon it will die. I love it.
But now I don’t have time to do my revenge act. What I want is if I put a switch on the electric signal should fill the whole room and should kill the entire mosquitoes in the room. Make sure humans are not hurt. Please some body invent this.

A Proposal to Microsoft...!!!!

Every time when some connection problem arises we will get a ‘page not displayed’ error sheet. It may be due to a lost internet connection, a non-existing web page or some other high funda tech reason which I don’t know. Why this page is not sold to advertisers. This page is rumored to be the most visited page in the galaxyJ. So at the time the error page has be displayed they can display that in a table and what ever space is left in the page can be filled with advertisements right ?

Sunday, April 8, 2007

In a hotel

After an outing they were on the way back to home. They entered a hotel to eat something
Hotel boy supplied two menu cards.Hathbag was very tired and casually sat there. Chales seems to have made up his mind
Chales : We will order chappathi.
Hathbag : Ok, that's fine.What we will have along with chappathi..?
Chales : Hmm...along with chappathi..hmm...we will order one more chappathi ( Grinning..)

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Cricket should be Banned , What the heck

Rather than putting some junk stuff for starting an opinion I am straight away expressing it.

What I have seen is most of those who are vehemently opposing cricket are those who don’t know much about that sport. They don’t enjoy this game. It’s not their fault. Each person has his own tastes. But what is ridiculous which I have felt is they go on opposing it in such a way they are asking for the ban of cricket. Let’s see the main points they are shouting at

1. People are wasting time watching cricket.

2. Loss of electricity, loss of money, lose of free time, blah, blah…

3. Promote other sports.

1. People are wasting time watching cricket.

If watching cricket is a waste of time what about soap operas in the TV. There are hundreds of mega serials showing in the TV with all the non sense. Millions are watching those daily, losing millions of work hours. Why no body is asking for a ban of serials??

2. Loss of electricity, loss of money, lose of free time, blah, blah…

Cricket tournament will be once in 2 months or maximum 3,4 days per month. But what about these serials. They are playing daily hours and hours.....making the viewers tied to the dumb TV and making them artificially mood out and emotional. Again why no body is asking for a ban on serials. Why only a ban on cricket???

And about loss of money....

See how many crores are doordharsan and bcci are getting for the cricket endorsements. They are the money squeezed from the big business tycoons. This money if not fully a part is going into govt. treasury. I felt this is quite good.Coz this is one way to extract money from those tycoons.

3. Promote other sports.

Cricket is the only sport where India is salvaging some pride in front of world

We are superior to even America when it comes to cricket. Is there any other sport India can boast like this. Yes we have chess. So what shall we do? We should watch chess for 5 6 hrs continoulsy.should we watch anand sitting in a glass chamber making moves. I am not saying we should not watch. Who ever wishes can watch. But majority enjoy cricket in India .That’s a fact.

Tech Problem..

Chales : Hi hathbag my computer in office has got some problem

Hathbag : what is the matter, what happened ??

Chales : some virus or may be some one is trying to steal it

Hathbag : What ??? Tell me the details, i know a little bit about computer repairing..

Chales : Oh great, but i dont think this is something to do with the system, some one else

is playing on my computer

Hathbag : Tell me the problem man....

Chales : Can you find a key maker for me

Hathybag : what for ?

Chales : My computer got locked...