Love-letter

Dear Sunitha,

I don't know how to tell this. Neither do I know how to express my feelings nor i could explain. We knew each other for quite some time....

We three were busy with the preparation for the aug 15th floral competition. Ramu as usual went to the market in morning and may be on his way back. Our lift in 3rd floor went to ground floor. 'Oh some one is coming to this floor'. Gaurd had told yesterday that a new occupant would be coming to T2 flat.I didn't show much interest and continued the final touchings for the green section. Each color of the flag was assigned to each me, ann, priya. One more outer layer has to completed for it to finish. But Ramu has to bring the powder to complete it.

He was a cool dude. Omg not cool really handsome. Don't give such high ratings. Three views of 3 virgin girls. Mine had an extra topping of jealousy. Can't help. He talked to priya first. I had a bad timing. Was busy with decorating my part. And with her exceptional 'vayadi' a.k.a talkative nature it was quite a cakewalk for her to get an upper hand in the proceedings. But none could make much inroads into the relation with him. Thats why i got a crush on him. He didn't show much interest in those flirty type activities. Pakka decent. A great exception to the typical vayanokki. So as we used to see in many films i put a 5kg weight to both of my shoulders. But i think my tactics backfired. Occassionally he will be speaking to only rose or priya and that too upon the constant implementation of 'how to win a guy's heart' theory by a well known author. They started by offering some delicacies ( supposed to be hand made but factually speaking ramu's trademark hand made eateries' ). I kept my ego high. I was in a fix. Nor i could bump into him nor he would do that. Occassionally i will be keeping ramu as a dummy and will pass some glance at him. I will be ordering/discussing with ramu about how a house can be kept in order, what a responsible person,blah . One thing i was sure. He was paying a little attention to me.

I never thought a small knife cut accident will turn out to be my lucky incident. Ramu got scared. He was only 19. Poor boy, he went into opposite flat and called him. I knew this incident was silly. But blood flow didn't stop from the cut. He took me to the hospital and hence start of a relationship .

I think stars have turned to my favour. Both priya and rose got shifts for work and sometimes weekend too. Ramu has virtually became two flat servant. I would insist ramu to go and help and him so that i can join them and eventually into the conversations with him. I made up my mind. He is good. He has also developed and good friendly relationship with me. He was caring too. Good background, family and same religion too. But how can i propose him first. Intially i thought of using ramu as a messenger but my ego didn't permit. He defenitely likes me. But not sure whether he loves me or not. Hurray....!!!!. A email from him with dear sunitha as subject. Omg i can't believe. I was totally out of mind. Gone mad with all kind of feelings.

Dear Sunitha,

I don't know how to tell this. Neither i know how to express my feelings nor i can explain. We knew each other for quite some time.You are my good friend. I think you can help me regarding this. When i first saw ramu among you i felt a kind of emotion or feeling which i do know this will be a shock for you since you can't imagine me in that sense. But this is not wrong right?I can't tell this to ramu. But you can try to

I closed the mail. I couldn't read further. Delete pls Delete

Tell me yaar why you are leaving suddenly. Yeah tell suni what happened

Didi....

Aaaah , hearing ramu's voice i ran from there.

Le directeur

The heading is french translation of The manager. French is a beautiful jaada language for the english speaking fellas to get an upper edge by inserting some french words like monster,err..monsieur,bon into a converstation just like putting sliced coconut pieces to steamed rice powder from a steel pipe, a terrible engla transla of a great mallu saying puttinu thenga iduka. A french heading is always catchy.

Canteen Scene :
Me, girly and the enemy

Me : hey bye da, catch you later
Girly: goodnite
Enemy: bon nite
That @#!@# enemy struck
Girly: hooy, do you know french ? Can you teach me
Enemy: yeah, if you really want i will do that for you
Grrrr......

Then came those terrible nites for me and sweety-flirty-sugary nites for the enemy where girly is the perfect student and enemy is the perfect doctorate walla professor frenchie phew. The yahoo messenger became fully loaded with all kind of smileys. I prayed to the god for an immediate computer crash. Wow they stopped using messenger. Oh shit, gtalk. Enemy with a google translator and stupid girly learning all the french from this so called genius.

But i met success with italian. I typed hello to a new female profile. She replied back in some unknown language. Thanks to the translator. After a little trial and error i discovered that she is an italian. She was quite surprised on seeing a guy who knows italian. I started with regular stuff like asking about italy, rome, vatican. I just opened a search page began gathering information about these places and thereby increased the conversation length crooked flirt . She even sent me a photo of pisa tower.

dear, i am sending you my photo
ok josef psuedo name
you said you are an indian right
yes
but in the photo..... i searched for michael, joseph, mathew etc names in google images and finally settled for a good looking foreign chap. But i never thought about this danger. Now what will i say?
I am an anglo-indian dear......
oh anglo indian..
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From my next chat onwards , with new european gals i started typing "i am basically an anglo indian, josef". Truly speaking the success ratio was 90 percent. Out of the failures one was with a german client.Infact without using google translator i typed du hast. I have listened to this song by rammstein several times and since that was the only german knowledge apart from the names like nazi, hitler i just gave it a try.The response was quick and crisp. You assholic piece of shit. What a beautiful poetic reply.

Samantha. I won't forget her. She was very caring and friendly.We had a two month chatting relationship and finally out of my guilty feeling i revealed her that i am not the guy in the photo and my name is not josef.

Samantha, i am sorry
hey josef, it's ok
but, i did a wrong thing right
Josef, I am also sorry for doing this to you
What ???
My name is sam and i am 68. Just now i have sent you my original photo
You bloody homo kelavan( old man )....!!!!!!!. I almost fainted seeing the innocent smile of...!@#@!

P.S : I started this post to tell about a perfect manager , but alas ended up with filling some junk stuff. Will release the second post soon with same heading and an added II.
"According to the classic managements textbooks and best-selling guides, the ideal manager is knowledgeable, achievement-oriented, detail-oriented, systematic, and efficiency-oriented; organized, a logical and linear thinker;..."

Welcome to Hairgel

‘Welcome to hairgel mobile and narrowband services’.

It was a lovely welcome message from them. I was impressed and was looking forward to quickly get an answer to my query. Here we go.

'Press 1 for Tamil', good but i donno Tamil.

'Press 2 for Hindi', good but i don't want.

'Press 3 for Portuguese' (what the...).

'Press 4 for Chinese'.

'Press 5 for French.’

'If you are dumb and deaf, press the cancel button'. ( Fantastic ).

'Press 100 for English' (gasp, thanks a lot to hairgel).

Somehow i pressed 100. Again came the message 'welcome to hairgel mobile and narrowband services'(phew, shavangal).Suddenly i felt some speedy train has passed. Oh the lady has said something. Is she telling something or studying for some fastest English shouting course? I just said one word 'Madam' (kreek, jerk...Oh my goodness, here comes the torpedo from hairgel rep).

'Welcome to hairgel mobile and narrowband services. Hairgel is the numero uno in many services which i donno know exactly. We have a unique business model and have created ripples all over India...' (All in 100th part of a millisecond).But i didn't allow her to continue. I howled like a jackal.

'keeeeeeeeeeeeeee, koooooooooooooooo, brrrrrrrrrr'. That was enough for her . Dingading.

Hairgel Rep: "what the...” Wow success. She stopped.

'Madam pls, i don’t want the history of your company. I will read from the website'.

'Thank you sir. I am glad to know that you are a regular visitor to our company website. Don't you want to know the specialties of our unique website sir? Wait a sec.'

'Ayyooooo...Rama Rama'.

'Great to know that you are devotee of ram sir. We provide you exclusive rama ring tones, caller tones, message tones, switch off tones, switch on tones, lost a mobile tones, anti theft tones.'

What should i do? I wanted to thrash this lady like a pulp. This is the limit. But relax buddy.

'May i know your good name lady?'

'Chinky'

'Wow, lovely name. I called to point out a mistake from your services but hearing your sweet voice i forgot everything.'

'What sir. I didn't get you'

Yeah, her speedy English got some sudden break. Good start

'Yeah chinky, I love you. I got a decent job and ur sweet. Shall we tie the knot? If you are ready contact me'.

No sound from the other end. Great, I won. Now not in near future she will torture me like this. I planned to do similar bizarre tricks to the other executives also.

'Bye now chinky. Catch you later'.

................................................................................

Aunty-climax (No uncle? Huh ...!)

'Chinky, gimme a cup of coffee'

'Yes dear lemme pack your breakfast'

Ooops. Dingolfications.

She

Train started again. I was just in after being out to buy some snacks to eat.

‘Lays?'.She nodded her head in disapproval.

The cold air began to pour in again. She didn't seem to affect by the chillness. But i started shivering. I took a thick cloth from the bag and covered myself. As usual some unreserved people have taken some available positions. One guy has taken my favorite position in train, upper berth. You will get all kind of privacy there and no one will be there to disturb you. TTR came and all of a sudden unreserved persons disappeared.

'Who is the second person?’ TTR asked me.

'My wife' I replied back pointing her.

TTR gave a glance and went away.

..........................................................................................................................................................

He was sitting in the chair thinking of something.

'What happened man?' I asked.

'Hey i have to go to bedalla village again.'

'Oh again going to that remote village?’

'Yeah, some more company work. Hey if you are free can you join?’

'Hmm.’

'Come on man, it's a nice place. You can explore your photographic passion too. You are free right? I am booking tickets for you'.

Soon we were traveling to the place. Me in upper berth as usual. It took around 6 hrs. There were no bus services in the village. We took a bullock cart and reached in front of a house. He had arranged everything and he was quite familiar with this place too. Good thing, otherwise it would have been quite difficult. Although the village wore a primitive look the girls were really beautiful. In fact on the way to house I spotted a few.

‘Hey someone is standing outside’

‘Oh, may be the guide’

‘Guide?’

‘Yeah man, a helper for you. He will help you to explore the village. Without him it will be difficult for you since you won’t understand their language.’

‘Wow, that’s great man. He can help to find the real beauties in the village. I saw a bunch on the way.’

‘Hey better you stay away from those beauties for sake of your good health’.

Guide’s name was Joseph and he is a migrant here. He showed me many nice places. Finally we were resting near an old temple.

‘Hey who is that girl with that water pot there?’

‘Oh she is madhu; she stays in that small hut there.’

‘Nice girl Joseph, if I get real beauties like this I will give you whatever money you want’

‘We can get sir’

‘Hey I was joking man’

I wanted to take one photo of her but quickly back tracked my idea.

Next day I decided to visit the temple again. My aim was to find madhu again. I found her. But she was in special attire.

‘What is going on there?’

‘It’s special pooja and human sacrifice’

‘What? Human sacrifice?’

‘Yes, but no body will be killed. Every 5 years this ritual happens here. The priests select virgin girls and they are given to the holy deity. Till next year this girl will be in the possession of the priests and after that girl is sold outside to the village. Then the village is sanctified according to them.

‘Everything is fake sir’.

‘I know these priests and they are sending these girls to outside people for money. We can also get them if we pay some amount to them’.

‘Oh. There is no police station here?’

‘No sir, it’s very far away and no one will visit this place. The villagers are hardcore believers and aggressive too.’

I felt sorry for the girl. She was very beautiful.

When I returned home my friend was not there in the house. He had informed me in the morning that he will be late. I felt bored. I slept till evening. Guide had provided me with some local brew. I started enjoying it. Good one. Soon I began floating in air. Nice girls began to come to my mind. Madhu came with the flowers and special attire. Beside her was the guide. He was saying something to madhu and also to me. I pointed to the drawer. He took some money from the purse…

I don’t know how many hours passed. It was total darkness in the room. I burned a candle. Some one is sitting in the corner. It was madhu. Oh my god, what I have done. I felt very bad at myself. What a creature I am. I heard a knock in the front door.

‘Hey, I am lost man’. It was my friend. ‘What happened’ I asked him.

‘I will tell you. The visit to this village was an intentional one. Last time during my visit I fell in love with a village girl who was a helper in my office. We planned to marry, but villagers didn’t allow. So this time we planned to run away. I thought of telling this to you but some how couldn’t. But now she is missing after that ritual. I am searching guide Joseph.’

I was in a shock after hearing this. I know where the girl is. He entered my room. He was shocked to see her in my room and looked at me. I couldn’t face him. She didn’t speak a word. He didn’t speak a word. Within 5 minutes he packed his bag and went out without uttering anything.

I was standing there in darkness disturbed by the candle light.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘What shall I order for you to eat?’ I asked her and showed signs for eating the food. She didn’t say anything.

‘Give us 2 meals’ I told the pantry man. She never gave me answer for my questions. But still I used to ask her for past 20 years. She never demanded anything. She always gave me an emotionless face. But I know inside her she may be weeping. I never heard any word from her. I never heard any word from my friend too. The 20 years of silence took some sheen from her beautiful face.

Confucious

Hathbag : ‘I am little confused with this change in code, Can u pls clarify’

Chales : ‘Super, The state of being confused is good, do you no why ?’

Hathbag : ‘No’

Chales : ‘When ur confused , it will trigger more confusions, more and more confusions means soon u will be Confucious. U no who is confucious rite ?’

Hathbag : ‘Yes , He was a Philoshoper…

p.s : What the....

Memories

I am standing near the door, reason being - room sans AC is virtual hell. I rarely experienced bad sleep during nights in my whole life. Today i was sleeping very comfortably when suddenly an inner call woke me up. A white smoke resembling the fog is visible near the mango tree. Terrible mistake on my part which in fact won't throw any surprise to the creatures close to me. I do make those often. It is the dust rising from the nearby construction site. Some days back i took the toughest decision in my life. I deserted her. But now i am restless. My days are becoming lengthy. Night i am finding solace in the sweet memories of her. She was an angel and of course i was a devil, sorry I am a devil. We were about to marry, but fate played a different game altogether. The accident which crippled her whole life didn't matter much to her. She was an angel. She faced it with the courage which was simply great. But i was a devil. I couldn't swallow the fact that my whole life has to be shared with a cripple. I fled from the place. Now the memories are back with its all powerful mental harassment. I can't revert my decision. But after so many days i felt she is calling me. I never enquired about her till now but still the guilty feeling thronged my mind and i suddenly took a decision to be at the place where she is.

Next day…

'What happened?’

'That doctor committed suicide.’

‘Who? One who was admitted last week?’

'Yes, that bloody psycho hit his maid servant with his car killing her and was admitted here last week. He won't sleep at all at night and keeps staring out near the door whole night. Yesterday also guards saw him standing there'.

VISA

I was in utter confusion when the onus to choose a great name to this blog entry fell upon me. Yeah it is a jaadical start (). Umpteen names popped infront me (If you put corn in a special wonderful interesting machine usually seen in a mall u can see pop corn popping out).

Visa Diary of 'anony'.
My experiments with visa interviewer.
'anony' and the chamber of visa interview.
Gone for the visa interview.
The visa.

But realization of the fact - all those great ideas that came out from my mind was showing starkling similarity to the classics written by renowned authors. So i just deleted that notepad and putted ( ;) ) that into recycle bin.

Hockey(ok-oke-wokey-wockey-Hockey), here we go

I started to the american consulate in 'The great public auto service chennai limited'.70 Rs was ok for him.I gave 100 rupee note as an advance payment.As auto moved forward the sensex showed bullish/beerish(?)/deerish/doggish phenomenon and since he had a lates smart phone he instantly got a message regarding some inflation in indian economy.'Sir 90 Rs.'. I didn't yield. Just one km more to go.Another apple fell on his head.'Sir give me 20 rs'. Wow the ramanuja. He is planning to give me 50 rs. Alas...!!!.

'This is the consulate sir'.

'50 rs ?'

'120 rs is the charge sir'

'#$@#$@#$' (Note : Said to myself).what the...'

'Petrol charge increased sir'

'So soon..!!!, during a 30 minutes journey ? and you recognised it instantly ? great man'.

'I took the shorter and difficult route for you to reach early sir'

'Oh my poor friend, how sweet, how caring, you are my true...@#$@#$'

'2 kids sir, both are girls'

'Oh i thought they are...(Note : Said to myself).I have 3 wives and 4 grand children, big family you know.Third wife is suffering from blahassoblinkasso phobia'.

He gave me fifty :):):) He he he.

The qeue system outside the consulate is specially designed for white colored++ people.Atleast 2 hrs we should stand outside before we are let in.The sun tanning experience was marvellous. We should make this as a tourist spot. Special zones should be made where people can freely dryclean their body from pure white to pitch black.

Finally i am inside the chamber. Oops high class, 7 star security measures. The interviewers sitting inside a bullet proof glass reminiscent of a snake park. How they are gonna hear me ? Oh a small mike peeped out through a hole. Fast forward. 4 hrs gone. Now i am 5th in the queue. The reverent person interivewing an old man. What the heck he is doing there. For the past 20 minutes he is staring at the computer. Is he verifying forms or browsing websites. He may be tracing the applicants house in google map. Suddenly he pushed the chair backwards and went inside. What the...bad food? No he is back with a doughnut and pepsi. Aaaha niagra water falls in my mouth. I was damn hungry. He finished eating but not the processing. I was at my wits end. Finally my turn.

'Hi, How are you'

What a beautiful question, i felt like answering 'I am not fine man, i was waiting for [ast 4 hrs, last hour being the worst which included a extremely terrible situation of watching you eat a doughnut infront of a hungry poor chap which was unfortunately me.' But hold on.

What should i say ? How are you demands a description of me right ?

'I am tall and handsome, fair, bright, cool'.

But instead i answered the society taught automated answer to this question.' I am fine sir'.

'Are you going to work there ?'. Wonderful question. My document clearly says i am an employee of a company and what this guy is expecting from me

No sir, I am going to plant a bomb in my company headquarters and if possible in all the...@#$@# .

'Yes sir'.

'Your visa has been approved, have a nice day'

The whole day was spent in hot sun,long queue and finally in the evening he is wishing 'have a nice day'. But i got my visa, i am happy.

'Thank you very much sir'.

I can't imagine the terrible mental state of those who were rejected in the interview after such a long wait.

Thank god.

So now i am free to travel to USA.No anti-coca cola egos, no anti-american egos, no anti-bush egos, no anti-capitalism egos. All those egos proved futile infront of the lucrative package i will be getting for a job in US.

How to write a 10 Kg book?

How to write a 10 Kg book – Question mark embedded, If you can’t see it probably your browser settings have some problem, may be some questo marko virus created by an Italian psycho has attacked your computer, may be your eye sight is very poor, may be and most probably I didn’t put the question mark and instead I chose the wicked idea of blahing my poor blog reader with junk reasoning. This idea is just to increase my blog length and nothing personal. Excuse me please, where am I? Yes I was supposed to advice on how to write a 10 Kg book right?

Yes I have infinite, great and terrible ideas to write an epic. I am presently reading a romantic classic. Oh my god 1000+ pages and full description of nature, surroundings, even dresses, travel and what to say lots of more blahs. I am wondering how they can write like this with elaborated description of each minor elements. One guy looking at other one, yes that is the usual stimulus to such blah writing. It will goon like this - how his moustache is trimmed, how his hat is positioned.

I know some great fan of classic will be frowning call me all great out of dictionary words. Stay away coz I got terrible ‘chales and hathbag ‘jokes exclusively for scaring away sane people from me. Before starting just see how cleverly I wrote 3 paragraphs of junk with little effort.

Ok so please note down the basic law of relativity. Increase the relativity of the hero or heroine. No it’s not Albert Einstein’s relativity. Just increase the number of relatives. U can create cousins, nephews, father, mother and so on. And basic law here is each relative you are creating there it you should create 5 (My personal suggestion, you can have n number) more relatives. You can even create friends and then later can merge them to the hero clan with the special surprise relativity techniques like love marriage.

Flash back. Yes it’s a great technique. Each time one scene is about to get bored all characters should go into their respective flash backs. Hero can go to childhood days, heroine to her college days, father and mother to their honeymoon period. Just think around this point and you will get millions of flashy ideas.

Leave the hero alone. Please leave the hero alone. Let him to go to woods or cinema or fishing or let him go to hell. But after reaching any one of above places the hero should muse about something. Or he can be philosophical. He can pity himself on why this stupid world is like this. He can suggest methods to improve the round ugly shape of the earth to beautiful stick shape of or whatever blah you are feeling you can whip the hero to muse.

Don’t copy from any other books. No need for us. Get lost all such great fan fare books. We have our own style. Next thing we have to do is be very serious, desperate, shit faced person. With that mood we can write some crap philosophical thing. Don’t forget to keep a Google page or word web free dic (u naughty, no double meanings here) tionary. Just type a simple word and find the hardest synonym. E.g. the feeling when we see some porn movie is ‘lecherousness’. Oh my god after pronouncing this word I stopped seeing that. Similarly each simple word should be replaced by shit words so that reader will be in hell and will instantly congratulate you on the beautiful poetic blahtic language. The more the reader understands the blah writings the less appreciation.Don’t forget this law.

Moreover after first 3 or paragraphs please do change the topic to some other classic and great boring stuff and then keep on changing like this till the reader will be in mental asylum.

I got bored. Shall I stop this? I may give second or n number of parts for this. I want to write more. So before starting writing book don’t have any pre planned story line. It will be a flop idea. Decide on hero’s name place that’s all. Not even father, mother characters are necessary now. We can create them in due course.

Quit India

Year 1942

Cold chilling evening ( I don't know how to describe the climate, surroundings, people so as to elaborate a short incident into a 10 Kg book full of 'hey this tree was with blah color and blaah, blaah ).
Gandhiji was bathing in sea after making some salt as a part of ongoing agitation against British. One British guy was enjoying the sunset in a yatch with his batch; all wearing watches and catching good chicks by hand.

Gandhiji didn't like this whole atmosphere
Gandhiji: I quit
Gandhiji's helper heard this and he thought Gandhiji is telling something important
“Yes if Gandhi quit, whole India should quit".
“Quit indiaa…...!!!”

All deadly dangerous patriotic heroes - please don't eliminate me

It's just a little funny thing, If you still plan to kill me I will post more such terrific jokes. So beware and stay away from me

Anger control

An old method where computers were ( 'excuse me what is a computer ?' , ' Computer ?? what the....) ; one way to alleviate anger is to count from 1 to 10. In present time where computers ( 'excuse me computer..ehh..err ?', ' hey how dare you call my wife by name, you can call her Mrs.Open source' , ' What the...' ) ; one way to alleviate anger is to open a notepad from start menu ( go to hell all those bulb, blinkass open source Blahnux guys ) a type from 1 to 10.

One of my friend adviced one more great idea. Similar to notepad there is another software textpad. You can open it and click 'view line number' option you need not count the numbers in mind.

Flash back

"I think that's better. That is the best option you have although it's the worst one. Please do that for me”. I walked back towards the car. After a while I was speeding through the street on my way back to home.

Are all men like this? Not sure but may be. For the brand ‘male chauvinist pigs’ men belongs to the clan ‘Matured’. But these ‘M’ clan members will participate in various activities like small fights with girl friends which usually include subject lines “You didn’t call me for lunch”, “You didn’t mail me regarding that blah”, “But you called that blah head (This blah head is the friend of ‘M’ clan blah)”. My point was we had a fight. He scolded me for some petty reason and stopped talking. What crap? I too have an ego and I too stopped calling him and messaging him asking him million times “What’s the matter?”

Gone are the days where we used to go to office together. Gone are the days where he will be counting umpteen times the grills of the gate and waiting for me.” Why are you late? Give me the key. I won’t travel in a car driven by a woman”. Go to hell with his ego. Initially I was very happy about his lunch calls. But soon I realized those calls were a smoke screen to meet my stylish blah beauty colleague Miss.bleeh. I have to wait in the evening till his work is over. Then we will return together. After all he is my best friend.

But gone are those happy irritated days. I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened. That’s why I was very happy when finally he called me. “Come to the blah lawn near our blah tree”. I was enthralled. He finally called me. And that too to our regular time pass spot. Now he will be coming there with the regular ice breaker chocolates.

But soon I am reading a letter placed on the blah rock. I don’t have any emotion now. I don’t have any feelings now. I am alone. I am into last paragraph. “Some decisions we are making are wrong one. But when that is the best option available we have to do that. That’s why I am thinking of that. But I need your opinion. I am not a coward. I can’t bear all the mental harassment from the society that beckons me. This four letter killer has such a clout on the society. I want to escape from that. I want to escape from this life. I can’t wait till it starts acting on me slowly and finally taking my life. I want be a winner. So shall I???”

I just scribbled down this and walked back towards the car.” I think that's better. That is the best option you have although it's the worst one. Please do that for me”. After a while I was speeding through the street on my way back to home. I will be soon looking for tomorrow’s blah paper’s obituary column.

History of Chales and Hathbag

Chales is the short form of Chaliyan. This is what malayalis (the people of kerala a.k.a God’s own country, a state in India. Language malayalis are speaking is called Malayalam) call someone who is cracking very very poor jokes. Hathbag is the short form of Hathabagyan again a Malayalam word which means the sufferer.
Chales will be the one who is cracking worst jokes and Hathbag will be the guy who is affected by or is the who is suffering due to these jokes.

Where is my Coffeeday ?

My regular time wasting tactics involves going for a tea break every 1 hour. You know mine is a thinking job. This is what my previous boss once commented. Some how that statement still lingers around my mind. I was waiting for the imminent salary hike. All the so called economic brainy people were predicting a hike for the software people due to some blah blah.

I got hike, we got salary hike. Hip Hip Hurray......

We went to 5th floor for the regular work break. I got hike, we got salary hike. All the discussions were revolving around the hike. But no promotion for us L. What the heck, no promotion?? But hike is there rite?? No the promotion is what matters.

'Sir I shifted my company’. Who threw that statement in??

Oh that was our coffee vendor. He shifted the company. I don't know the details. I am waiting for more statements from our beloved coffee vendor we used to visit regularly. Once I have even dreamt about this guy. He is a very very jovial guy. A little more caring towards customer’s regardless of opposite or same sex. I don’t know about third sex.I donno whether our company has anyone like that. How can I comment on such a thing?

Where am I??? Yes the dream. This vendor has done something wrong; I don't remember what the offence was. But one thing is sure the police caught him and he was laughing like an insane guy. I think I have to take a U turn coz I am lost. Shall we ask some one?? 'Hey, could you lead me to the place where my friends and that 5th floor coffee vendor is chatting'.

Yeah thanks to my pathfinder. I am there. Adding a point here I hired this guy and named him pathfinder.’ Sir I shifted my company'. So you will be leaving this office??

'No, sir I got promoted from butterfly to Coffeeday'. Sudden laughter…!!!!.Why did they laugh?? Different types of coffee are available here. Ordinary class comprises of butterfly, Lipton, nestle. Coffeeday is high class stuff. If we go out to a coffee pub and order cappuccino, it will cost us 20 Rs.Wow, great, great company. Free high class coffee to all employees. Long live software. Long live outsourcing. Long live coffee vendors. Am I promoting windows live.Nopes.Why should I. Google is still the best.

Where is my pathfinder? You stay beside me. Ok??. 'Yes sir'

'Now I will be operating sixth floor pantry. I have quit butterfly coffee and joined Coffeeday.The pay scale is very low here. More over us can have only 4 cups of free coffee. In Coffeeday the pay is more, it’s more employee friendly and moreover we can have 6 cups of free coffee per day’. That was great right? And also I have seen that operating machine is more stylish and modern in appearance. I love Coffeeday....

So he shifted from 5th floor to 6th floor with more lucrative packages. Why he shouldn't accept that offer?? Folks it’s not a question to you.

He was not satisfied with the butterfly coffee for quite some time. The milk supplied from some private vendor was one issue. It has got a thick cover which he had to struggle a lot to cut. It would take some time for him. But the customers will be shouting,'coffee,coffee,coffee'.He has reported this several times to the top brass people. But they could do nothing as they can't trouble the milk provider for such a small issue. So our beloved vendor asked for a big sharp knife. But alas, no funds.

He had even decided one day to report this directly to the milk provider. Some how the top brass people of butterfly smelled this. They put some sugar in his mouth. It was very sweet. He likes it very much. He ate all those and forgot about the problem. When sugar was all over, every one has left. The sugar party was over. He was disgusted.

Adding to this one more incident became an instant catalyst. One day a customer came and asked to put more. Customer didn't tell what to put more, coffee powder?? Milk?? Sugar??.

So he put sugar more. Oh my god. Customer was a diabetes guy. He was infuriated. He shouted, scolded, jumped and danced.

Our beloved coffee vendor didn't say anything. He had already made up his mind.

Where is my pathfinder? ‘Stupid where did you go again? '

So today was last day for him. When are you joining buddy??

Tomorrow I have to. Today I thought of taking a break. But my manager told I have to finish these coffee packets I have already opened. So I had to come. But he was happy. He was cheerful. He was not sad. We decided to give a party to him.

So where is my Coffeeday...????

Killing Mosquitoes

I got a wonderful Chinese invention. Mosquito killer bat.Gr8.Fabulous.It works with battery. It has got a handle and a covered electric wire mesh. If we just swings that bat in air pressing the switch the bloody mosquitoes are electrocuted after got themselves trapped in the mesh. Wonderful. Really wonderful. I am a sadist when comes to killing this mosquitoes. They are such an irritating fellas that I feel like thinking barbaric methods of killing them. One of my great ideas ( oh..!! the thought itself is tickling my nerves with some blah pride) is PEN TOP technique. Catch a mosquito in a pen top. Yes with pen top I will just manage to catch one after many attempts. Then close the pen top with pen itself. Now carefully some how fill the top with water. Don’t let that bloody mosquito egzape. Now I am applying water pressure. The more you press the pen tightly the more water pressure to mosquito. Soon it will die. I love it.
But now I don’t have time to do my revenge act. What I want is if I put a switch on the electric signal should fill the whole room and should kill the entire mosquitoes in the room. Make sure humans are not hurt. Please some body invent this.

A Proposal to Microsoft...!!!!

Every time when some connection problem arises we will get a ‘page not displayed’ error sheet. It may be due to a lost internet connection, a non-existing web page or some other high funda tech reason which I don’t know. Why this page is not sold to advertisers. This page is rumored to be the most visited page in the galaxyJ. So at the time the error page has be displayed they can display that in a table and what ever space is left in the page can be filled with advertisements right ?

In a hotel

After an outing they were on the way back to home. They entered a hotel to eat something
Hotel boy supplied two menu cards.Hathbag was very tired and casually sat there. Chales seems to have made up his mind
Chales : We will order chappathi.
Hathbag : Ok, that's fine.What we will have along with chappathi..?
Chales : Hmm...along with chappathi..hmm...we will order one more chappathi ( Grinning..)

Cricket should be Banned , What the heck

Rather than putting some junk stuff for starting an opinion I am straight away expressing it.

What I have seen is most of those who are vehemently opposing cricket are those who don’t know much about that sport. They don’t enjoy this game. It’s not their fault. Each person has his own tastes. But what is ridiculous which I have felt is they go on opposing it in such a way they are asking for the ban of cricket. Let’s see the main points they are shouting at

1. People are wasting time watching cricket.

2. Loss of electricity, loss of money, lose of free time, blah, blah…

3. Promote other sports.

1. People are wasting time watching cricket.

If watching cricket is a waste of time what about soap operas in the TV. There are hundreds of mega serials showing in the TV with all the non sense. Millions are watching those daily, losing millions of work hours. Why no body is asking for a ban of serials??

2. Loss of electricity, loss of money, lose of free time, blah, blah…

Cricket tournament will be once in 2 months or maximum 3,4 days per month. But what about these serials. They are playing daily hours and hours.....making the viewers tied to the dumb TV and making them artificially mood out and emotional. Again why no body is asking for a ban on serials. Why only a ban on cricket???

And about loss of money....

See how many crores are doordharsan and bcci are getting for the cricket endorsements. They are the money squeezed from the big business tycoons. This money if not fully a part is going into govt. treasury. I felt this is quite good.Coz this is one way to extract money from those tycoons.

3. Promote other sports.

Cricket is the only sport where India is salvaging some pride in front of world

We are superior to even America when it comes to cricket. Is there any other sport India can boast like this. Yes we have chess. So what shall we do? We should watch chess for 5 6 hrs continoulsy.should we watch anand sitting in a glass chamber making moves. I am not saying we should not watch. Who ever wishes can watch. But majority enjoy cricket in India .That’s a fact.

Tech Problem..

Chales : Hi hathbag my computer in office has got some problem

Hathbag : what is the matter, what happened ??

Chales : some virus or may be some one is trying to steal it

Hathbag : What ??? Tell me the details, i know a little bit about computer repairing..

Chales : Oh great, but i dont think this is something to do with the system, some one else

is playing on my computer

Hathbag : Tell me the problem man....

Chales : Can you find a key maker for me

Hathybag : what for ?

Chales : My computer got locked...

Colambo Business

Colambo is the name we usually call for the maxicab doing transportation service for public
in chennai. I donno weter if its ther in other parts of the country or world or universe
One day while travelling i just thought of how much they will be earning per day.
I arrived upon following facts

Daily Expense

Diesel/ltr - 30
Driver plus Kili Charge - 5k/month ; Tax and Misc 1k/month - So 200/- per day
Based up on observation i found Colambo is performing 10 trips of 2okms each per day
So 200kms per day.
I assumed a 5km milege per litre ; Hence 40 ltrs diesel per day which costs 1200/-

Net total will be 1200+200+misc per day
I figured it out to be as 1500/- day
Colambo has a max capacity of 25-30 from start.
A 5 to 7 rs charge based upon distance means roughly 250 to 300 people should travel per day

So per trip if 25-30 people is carried business is said to be no profit no loss.
:)

Next time i will talk about some other business based upon observation